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♪ Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts

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♪ Vile Victorians,
woeful wars, ferocious fights

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♪ Dingy castles, daring knights,
horrors that defy description

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00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,880
♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians,
vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

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♪ Punishment from ancient times

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♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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♪ Cavemen,
savage, fearsome, toothless

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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages,
mean and measly Middle Ages

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♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

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♪ Stuff they don't teach you
at school

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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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♪ Welcome to...
Horrible Histories! ♪

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Horrible Histories presents...

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All right, guv'nor?
Things might look fun in the past,

15
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but it was often tough for us kids.

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And there were times when growing up
at all was a challenge.

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♪ If and when I grow up
MAMMOTH ROARS

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♪ I'll be big enough
to hunt the creatures

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♪ That we hunt and hope
they don't have me for lunch

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♪ If and when I grow up

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♪ It will be because the Plague
has somehow passed me by

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♪ Well, at least until next time

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♪ If we grow up

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♪ Childhood doesn't always
have a happy ending

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♪ Malnutrition and disease
are always trending

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♪ If we grow up

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♪ If and when I grow up
If and when I grow up

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♪ Then that must mean that
the tunnel cave-ins didn't get me

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♪ I might make it well past 20

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♪ Oh, I'll probably grow up
He will probably grow up

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♪ Cos they fixed the water

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♪ Rolled out smallpox vaccination

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♪ Stopped child labour exploitation

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♪ I might grow up

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♪ Finally, a happy ending
to this story

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♪ Medicine and please
clean the water for me

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♪ Still there's many, many places
that are poor, though

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♪ And the numbers who grow up there
are still too low

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♪ Still work to be done
Which I'll get the chance to do

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♪ When I grow up. ♪

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Things were definitely different
for us kids in the past.

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In my day,
back in the Victorian era,

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you had children cleaning chimneys
and running around warships

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carrying deadly piles of gunpowder.

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But our lives weren't always
so different from yours.

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We still had
annoying brothers and sisters.

47
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Even King Louis XIV of France
had some terrible fights

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with his little brother Philippe
when they were young.

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Oi! Imagine what it'd be like
to be their babysitter.

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Bonsoir, Monsieur de Villeroy.
Hope you're having a nice day off.

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Just checking in to let you know
that His Majesty King Louis XIV

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and his little brother Philippe
are playing perfectly together.

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There's just one small problem.

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They keep spitting
on each other's beds.

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Don't worry, Monsieur. I have
placed myself between their beds

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so that no more harm can be done.
Louis!

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After all, they're just little kids.
Louis!

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Everything is under control.
Philippe!

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I'll call you back.

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Bonsoir, Monsieur. Success!

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Philippe? The spitting has stopped.

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Philippe?
Now they just throw things.

63
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It's like at Lent when Philippe
threw a bowl of stew over the King!

64
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Where did you even get that?
It's not even lunchtime!

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Hurry back, Monsieur!

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If this goes on any longer,
I won't be surprised...

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Ah! What is this? More stew?

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Philippe!

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Ah, no! Wee-wee!

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Your Majesty, I am sorry
you have had to witness

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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,080
such disgraceful...

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Honestly, when you asked me
to babysit the King

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and I said, "Oui, oui,"
this is not what I had in mind.

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Of course,
being a royal child does mean

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you get some pretty awesome
presents.

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When Cleopatra and Mark Antony
had kids,

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they gave them whole countries.
It was during a grand ceremony

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known as
the Donations of Alexandria.

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All I got for my last birthday was
a turnip. It wasn't even wrapped.

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Hello, my babies. Caesarion,
get out of Daddy's throne, please.

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Um, not MY daddy.

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Good lad. Cheers for that. Thank
you. Now who wants presents?

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Me! Hurry up!
Just give me a present!

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Mark Antony, do the honours.

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A scroll? It's not vouchers, is it?

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The Parthian Empire.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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The Parthian Empire stretches
from here all the way to here.

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APPLAUSE And you're getting Syria, Ptolemy.

90
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One of the wealthiest provinces,
Ptolemy. You'll be rich!

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Crete and Cyrenaica.

92
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Small, but stunning Mediterranean
lands, a stone's throw from home.

93
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,000
Thanks, Daddy. And you can all go
and rule them. Cool!

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As soon as we've conquered
the rest of them. What?!

95
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You haven't conquered them all yet?
What am I getting?

96
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All the heavily-armed
barbarian lands to the north?

97
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,480
We're making you King of Egypt.

98
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,720
Really? Oh, great. I mean,
we actually control Egypt,

99
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so I haven't even
got to fight for that.

100
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"Still to be conquered"? Oh, no!

101
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Also as the son and heir
to Julius Caesar,

102
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you get Octavian's half
of the Roman Empire too.

103
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Doesn't Octavian, my adopted
brother, already rule that empire

104
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with, like, a lot of armies?

105
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Thanks for a territory controlled
by our most powerful enemy.

106
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And guess what I gave myself. I'm
going to carry on as Queen of Egypt.

107
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Didn't you just give me Egypt?
Yeah, you'll have to share.

108
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Unbelievable! So unfair.

109
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,120
Hi. I'm King James II.

110
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,560
When I was just 14,

111
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:15,120
my dad, Charles I, was imprisoned
by parliamentary rebels

112
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and I was put under house arrest.
I had to make a daring escape,

113
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but what part of my getaway was
the most dangerous?

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Was it...

115
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Well, the answer is B.

116
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Dressing up as a girl.

117
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,040
I did sneak out of the Palace
during a game of Hide-and-Seek

118
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,680
and it was dead scary,
but the really dangerous part

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00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,040
was dressing up.
When I got on the boat,

120
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,280
the bargeman got suspicious
when I adjusted my tights.

121
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Apparently, I was doing it
in an unladylike manner.

122
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Oh! That's better.

123
00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,240
Unladylike, indeed!
BURPS

124
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So even if you were going to be
king, like young James,

125
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it didn't mean life was always
a bundle of laughs.

126
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,640
When Edward VI was young,
his dad, Henry VIII,

127
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was so worried about him getting ill

128
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,720
that he kept him
locked away in a palace.

129
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Everything around him had to be
constantly washed.

130
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Imagine that -
being stuck inside all day

131
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and having to wash everything
all the time.

132
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,680
I bet things are so different
in your day.

133
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,840
Daddy! You've come to see me!

134
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,920
Yo! Big up the future Edward VI!

135
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,040
My little Mini Me. I've brought you
a bunch of presents from everyone.

136
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,760
Great! Can I go outside today?

137
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:42,280
No chance! You might get ill again.
Oh, but I sneezed, like, once!

138
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,320
I think it was just dust.

139
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,360
Sorry, you're too precious.

140
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,000
I can't risk anything happening
to my one male heir.

141
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,360
Why do you think all your food
gets tasted first

142
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and everyone who visits gets washed?

143
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,880
Not me! Everyone else.

144
00:07:55,880 --> 00:08:00,040
Now, stop moping. I should be
the one who's moping.

145
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,040
You've cost me three wives
and a Pope!

146
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,880
It's not my fault you were
so desperate for a male heir.

147
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,960
Whatever! Just play
with all the friends I sent you.

148
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,800
Friends?!
You sent me Sir William Sidney!

149
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,600
SNORING
He's 64 years old!

150
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,120
Do you know how bad he is
at hopscotch?

151
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,640
Scotch? Maybe a small one.

152
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:22,680
He's all right for a game of
scotchy! Has he been washed?

153
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Oh...!

154
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600
Pressie time! Oh, it's my favourite.

155
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,760
Tapestries from me.
I got you the large.

156
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,680
Wow! Not as large as that one.

157
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,880
GROWLING
Aaaargh!

158
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,640
Daddy, there was a bear inside!

159
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,080
Wow! A fighting bear!

160
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,480
That's cool. Still,
Health and Safety nightmare.

161
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,520
Can someone wash the bear
before Eddie plays with it?

162
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,320
I don't want it passing on a bug.
Aaaargh!

163
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,640
Grow up! It's only a bear. You're
lucky we didn't get you a tiger.

164
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,200
Actually, that sounds pretty rah.
Might put one on my Christmas list.

165
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,320
I don't like it!

166
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,960
OK, bored now. Lunch!

167
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:09,200
'Course, not all historical parents
were as overprotective as Henry.

168
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,320
Some of them thought you should be
really tough with your kids.

169
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,920
And even Queen Victoria,
who had nine children

170
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,040
and 42 grandchildren,

171
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didn't actually like them
when they were babies.

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Mummygram Chat.
Just some ordinary mums from history

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00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,960
discussing mum things.

174
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,920
Hello! All right?
Hello, you all right?

175
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,960
It's so nice to see you all.

176
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,360
I don't know how I'd cope
without our weekly chat.

177
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,280
Not that I don't love
my ghastly children.

178
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,440
So what does everybody
want to talk about?

179
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,040
We're stuck on a name for our baby.
Stick or Leather Bottle?

180
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,560
I love Stick. How about Whip?

181
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,560
He'd be feeling one
from the ages of 7 to 30

182
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,560
in his military training if he was
one of our Spartan babies. Yah!

183
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,480
Victoria's a very popular name.
We'll go with Stick.

184
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,880
I have a worry. Yesterday,
the children was being lazy,

185
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,560
so I made them sleep on a damp floor

186
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,760
with their hands and feet tied.
Gosh!

187
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,040
I'm too soft, aren't I? No! Yes!

188
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,520
Punishment is vital.
My son was punished today

189
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,040
for being caught stealing. He's
meant to steal and not get caught.

190
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,800
It's why we don't feed him enough -
to encourage stealing.

191
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:25,040
What are you doing? Hah!
..Pregnancy exercises.

192
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,720
We do this so that we may
give birth to more warriors.

193
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,560
Well, frankly, I have had
quite enough of childbirth.

194
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,800
Eew! A baby, indeed.
Babies, but they're so cute!

195
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,920
Babies are adorable.
With their ickle lickle cheeks.

196
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:42,080
Sweet. Oh, dear, I think that
might be time up on our chat.

197
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,640
But we only just started.
Signal's gone! Can't hear you!

198
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,680
Fine!

199
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,560
Dave...here! Lunchtime!

200
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,360
Eugh. The only thing worse
than talking about babies

201
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,400
is looking at them.

202
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,640
Being a kid in Queen Victoria's time
can be tough.

203
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,160
You wouldn't believe
the jobs I've had.

204
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,680
I was a scarecrow, a rat catcher,
and these days

205
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,520
I rummage through the sewer
looking for things to sell.

206
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,160
But there are some kids in history

207
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,040
who've landed some brilliant jobs,
like Elagabalus,

208
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,720
who became Roman Emperor
when he was just 14.

209
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,920
Cool, Elagabalus!
Hey! I'm Elagabalus.

210
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,400
And like any self-respecting
teenage emperor,

211
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,560
except for the other ones -
boring! -

212
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:26,240
I used my wealth and power
to prank people.

213
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:30,880
But which of these were real pranks
I played on my subjects? Did I...

214
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,280
Just for the bantz, baby!
PEOPLE SCREAMING

215
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,320
Or did I...

216
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,000
ROARS AND SCREAMS
Oh, classic.

217
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,040
Or C, did I...

218
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,800
..so that when people sat down
they fell on the floor

219
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,640
making noises like they'd
let off a toga toaster?

220
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,680
FARTING
Oh, good times.

221
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,720
And the answer is...

222
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,960
I did all of them!
Uh-oh. Legend alert.

223
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,400
I am bare hilaire!

224
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:08,560
It was top qual bantz like this that
kept me popular with Roman people.

225
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,640
Oh, here come my Praetorian Guard.

226
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,880
They love a practical joke, too.

227
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,920
Oh, classic!

228
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,400
They're pretending
they're going to assassinate me.

229
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:22,600
You guys literally kill me.
Ow! Ah! Aaargh!

230
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,440
Are you aged six and above?

231
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,520
Like confined spaces
and total darkness?

232
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,880
Them come work
in a Victorian coal mine!

233
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,760
And you could earn as much
as 4p per day!

234
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,160
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

235
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,880
All you have to do
is start work at 4am,

236
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,160
be lowered perilously into a mine

237
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,520
and pull coal
like a tiny hairless horse.

238
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,280
The Victorian mine -

239
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:57,000
because sometimes the best miners
are minors!

240
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,560
I didn't fancy being a miner,
but don't worry,

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life for us Victorian kids
got much better.

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00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:14,520
Dr Barnardo set up his homes
to protect vulnerable kids

243
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and new laws stopped young children
being sent to work.

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And compulsory schooling was
introduced.

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00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,680
Yeah, thanks, Queen Vicky.
You're welcome.

246
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,280
Shame she didn't actually get on
with her own children, though.

247
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,800
And she had nine of them. Awkward!

248
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,000
Thanks for watching, everyone.
Enjoy growing up yourselves.

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See you later!

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00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,480
♪ Meet my family

251
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,320
♪ Nine children, my husband and me

252
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,080
And I still look this good.

253
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,840
♪ Meet my family

254
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,880
♪ And I love them all equally...
Well, maybe not Bertie.

255
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,600
♪ My first child was
my namesake, Victoria

256
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,680
♪ She learnt French from age one

257
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,520
♪ Then

258
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:08,320
♪ After hours of pain, I had Bertie
The crown prince of tantrums

259
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,600
♪ Such a temper

260
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,680
♪ Next came Alice, sensitive, caring

261
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,040
♪ Jekyll to Bertie's Hyde

262
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,360
♪ Then came Alfred, the daredevil

263
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,880
♪ Who was the zaniest of all nine

264
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,760
♪ Meet my family

265
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,440
♪ Alfred climbs houses
and leaps streams

266
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,080
♪ Since he was a baby!

267
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,600
♪ Meet my family

268
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,840
♪ My brooch is made
from Vicky's teeth!

269
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,160
♪ Too much info?

270
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,720
♪ Our fifth child is Princess Helena

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00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,800
♪ Gifted in music and art

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00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,680
♪ Then

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00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,560
♪ Louise, who had
so much more talent

274
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,880
♪ Outdid Helena from the start

275
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:02,080
♪ Next came Arthur followed by Leo

276
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,880
♪ Who's the fragile one

277
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,840
♪ We had to really protect him

278
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,120
♪ Cos his skin bruises like a plum
And that's not fun

279
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,560
♪ Meet my family

280
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,560
♪ Beatrice would always
take care of me

281
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,400
♪ Number nine!

282
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,840
♪ And that's my family

283
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,360
♪ I love them unconditionally. ♪

284
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,160
Apart from maybe Bertie because
he really was a bit of a brat.

285
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,920
Oh, you're not wrong.

286
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,200
Huh!

287
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,280
This is burning! Whee! Hoo!
Come on, damn it.

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LAUGHTER

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00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,960
♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:53,240
♪ Hope you enjoyed...
Horrible Histories! ♪

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00:15:53,290 --> 00:15:57,840
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